1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,704
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:40,473 --> 00:00:42,718
You know, kids,
there's a lot
of history here.
11
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:45,944
These '50s diners
were very popular
in the '80s.
12
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,853
Boy, am I going
to enjoy this meal.
13
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,683
Not like last night when
I didn't have time to poop
before the guests arrived.
14
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,030
Do I have time?
You know what?
I'm going to go for it.
15
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,567
Son of a bitch! Looks like
I'm gonna have to pile
dinner on top of that.
16
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,458
Hey, guys! How are you?
17
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:03,995
Look at this place.
They don't serve any of
this 1950s food anymore,
18
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,065
hamburgers, French fries, Cokes.
19
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:10,135
You kids don't
know what I'm talking about.
20
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:13,772
I love how all the servers
look like celebrities from
the '50s.
21
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:17,375
Marilyn Monroe, Elvis,
22
00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:20,056
and look,
there's James Dean
after the accident.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,248
Let me tell you about
tonight's specials.
24
00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:25,784
Oh, look, Cleveland
finally made it.
25
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,285
Oh, hey there, Griffins.
26
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,723
Oh, that takes me back.
27
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,994
Hey, what are you, a robot?
28
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:39,765
Oh, no, son.
It's the 1950s,
and I have polio.
29
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,234
Wow, I never heard
of that before.
30
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:45,437
Oh, yeah, Chris, polio back
then was like AIDS today,
31
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:48,073
except people who have
polio get into heaven.
32
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:51,343
♪ A-well-a, everybody's
heard about the bird ♪
33
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:54,812
Oh, my God,
this is Surfin' Bird
by The Trashmen.
34
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:57,715
This is my favorite song
of all time!
35
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,218
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
36
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,554
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
37
00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:04,890
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
38
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,292
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
39
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,861
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
40
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,264
♪ Chris, don't you
know about the bird?
41
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,599
♪ Meg, everybody knows
That the bird is the word
42
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,135
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word
43
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,538
♪ Hey, guy behind the counter
The bird is the word
44
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:22,207
♪ Hey, frightened little child
The bird is the word
45
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,454
♪ Lady on the toilet,
the bird is the word
46
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,778
♪ Hey, don't you know
about the bird?
47
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:29,247
♪ Sure, everybody knows
That the bird is the word
48
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,227
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
49
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,317
♪ A-well-a bird... ♪
50
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:34,385
Again! Again!
I love repetition!
51
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,190
Hey, what's the big idea?
52
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,036
This song's from the 1960s.
53
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,438
It shouldn't be in this jukebox.
54
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,929
Wait, wait, can I have that
record? I love that song.
55
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:46,064
I'll let you have sex
with my daughter.
56
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,611
I don't know.
Let's see what your
daughter looks like.
57
00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:52,070
She's right there.
58
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:54,972
Okay, I'll do her.
59
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:57,453
But can you tell her
to cry and beg me
to stop?
60
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,911
I think that can be arranged.
61
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,891
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird The bird is the word
62
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:05,383
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
The bird is the word ♪
63
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,285
Peter, will you give
that song a rest?
64
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,387
You've been playing it
ever since we got home.
65
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,801
No way, Lois,
it's my new favorite
thing in the world.
66
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:17,395
Lois, I'm going to ask
you this only once.
67
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:21,499
Do you or do you not
know about the bird?
68
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,667
Oh! God!
69
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,747
'Cause everybody's heard
that the bird is the word.
70
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,038
♪ A-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird's the word
71
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:29,374
♪ A-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word
72
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,187
♪ A-b-b-bird,
bird, bird... ♪
73
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,788
Oh, God, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
74
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:34,212
Look, just go to sleep,
all right?
75
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:40,319
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word
76
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,787
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word
77
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:45,124
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word
78
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,593
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word
79
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:50,529
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
the bird is the word ♪
80
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:53,098
Peter, I have a mammogram
in the morning.
81
00:03:57,403 --> 00:04:00,071
N, can I see
that paper for a sec?
82
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:04,709
That's odd. I thought
that would be big news.
83
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,522
You thought what
would be big news?
84
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:11,215
Well, there seems to be
an absence of a certain
ornithological piece.
85
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:15,753
A headline regarding
mass awareness of
a certain avian variety.
86
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:16,899
What are you talking about?
87
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,255
Oh, have you not heard?
88
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,591
It was my understanding
that everyone had heard.
89
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:21,937
Heard what?
Brian, don't!
90
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,195
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
91
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,664
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
92
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,034
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
93
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,536
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
94
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,871
♪ Brian, don't you
know about the bird?
95
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,340
♪ Well, Peter's gonna
tell you about the bird
96
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,743
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
97
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,445
♪ A-well-a bird,
surfin'... ♪
98
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,970
Oh, my God! Peter,
are you all right?
99
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,376
Peter, I was just at the bank,
100
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,612
and they told me
you withdrew $6,000
cash from our savings.
101
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,314
That's almost
everything we have.
102
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:17,515
What the hell was it for?
103
00:05:17,583 --> 00:05:19,695
I bought some local
TV airtime, Lois,
104
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:23,239
and I did a public
service announcement
of vital importance.
105
00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:24,555
Thank you.
106
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,190
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
107
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:28,504
You know, there's an issue
facing many Americans today
108
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,706
that I know concerns
a great number of us.
109
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,430
According to Gallup polls,
110
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,967
one in 12 Americans
is unaware that
the bird is the word.
111
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,546
I, for one, dream of an America
112
00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:39,715
where everybody knows
that the bird is the word.
113
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,006
♪ A-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
114
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,909
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word ♪
115
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,011
My God, is it possible?
116
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,380
Have the boys in
the lab confirm this.
117
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:53,450
Sir, our math shows that
the bird is equal to
or greater than the word.
118
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,785
Check it again!
119
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,598
♪ ...the bird
is the word
120
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,982
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird,
bird, the bird is the word ♪
121
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:00,524
Brian?
122
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:01,670
Yeah?
123
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,627
I don't feel so good.
124
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,144
All right, that's it.
We got to do
something about this.
125
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,513
We have got to get that
record and destroy it.
126
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:14,005
Just like that
fat-person surgery
destroyed Star Jones' arms.
127
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:18,576
I look so good!
I lost all this weight.
128
00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:20,211
Taxi!
129
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,415
Coming to show the people
how good I look!
130
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,623
♪ A-b-b-bird,
bird, bird...
131
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,861
♪ B-b-b-bird, bird, bird...
132
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:43,868
♪ Don't you know
about the bird?
133
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:46,738
♪ Everybody knows
That the bird is the word ♪
134
00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:57,915
Who did it?
135
00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:00,062
Who did what, Pop?
136
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,864
Yes, Peter, what has you upset?
137
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:04,321
Surfin' Bird is gone.
138
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,835
I took it to bed,
had sex with it,
it fell asleep in my arms,
139
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,159
and this morning it's gone.
140
00:07:08,227 --> 00:07:10,606
Well, Peter,
nobody here would
steal from you.
141
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:12,196
Oh, no one had a motive, Lois?
142
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,898
You all had a motive,
every one of you!
143
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,279
You knew that I changed
my will and left everything
to the record.
144
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:17,913
And that's why you wanted
the record out of the way.
145
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,581
Meg wanted to get
a passport for her
twin sister
146
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,684
to get her out of the
country, but the record
wouldn't allow it.
147
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:24,119
But Meg didn't count
on me discovering
she has no twin sister
148
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,488
and that Meg herself
was recently released
from the sanitarium.
149
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:27,990
And that's where Chris
came into the picture.
150
00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,092
So, you got it all
figured out, do you?
151
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,195
You couldn't leave
well enough alone.
152
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:35,253
You won't fire at me,
Chris, you don't got
the stomach for it.
153
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,200
I'm sorry, Dad.
154
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,801
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
155
00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,158
Well, it sure is odd.
156
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,471
A record doesn't just
get up and walk away.
157
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:44,728
Except for my old
Allan Sherman record.
158
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,664
If you ain't gonna
play me, don't complain
when I try to split.
159
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:49,011
There's a lot of Jews out there
160
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:52,203
still get a laugh off
of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.
161
00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:55,439
Such heat this morning.
I don't need this jacket.
162
00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:57,041
Well, the hell with all of you!
163
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,877
I'm going downtown
and buy another copy
of Surfin' Bird.
164
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,256
Peter, that's not necessary.
165
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:02,357
I'm sure it'll
turn up somewhere.
166
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:04,621
I wouldn't count on it, Lois.
167
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,107
♪ Back up in your ass
with the resurrection
168
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,953
♪ Is the group harder
than an erection
169
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,310
♪ That shows more affection
170
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:34,478
♪ They wanna ban us
on Capitol Hill
171
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,392
♪ 'Cause it's
die muthafuckas,
die muthafuckas
172
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:39,550
♪ All along it was the geto,
nothing but the geto
173
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:42,854
♪ Takin' short steps
one foot at a time
and keep my head low
174
00:08:42,922 --> 00:08:44,355
♪ And never let go
175
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,235
♪ 'Cause if I let go,
then I'll be spineless
176
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,525
♪ I'm going insane
177
00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:49,827
♪ I think my mind
just goes outta control
178
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,907
♪ And judge your subjects
muthafuckas read about
179
00:08:51,931 --> 00:08:54,177
♪ I touch on the shit
that they be leavin' out
180
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,200
♪ I seen this
muthafuckas .9 smokin'
181
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:59,971
♪ I seen the same nigga
with the .9 die
with his eyes open
182
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,751
♪ And simply
what this means is
183
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,786
♪ He didn't know that
every dog had his day
184
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,309
♪ Until he seen his
185
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,022
♪ I bet you
muthafuckas will too
186
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:10,748
♪ Because it's die muthafucka,
die muthafucka still fool ♪
187
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,524
Do you have Surfin' Bird
by The Trashmen?
188
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:20,824
No, I'm sorry.
189
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,493
A dog and a baby came in
and bought all 63 copies.
190
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:27,732
Damn it! This is the
third used-record store
with that same story.
191
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,769
You... You look familiar.
Do I... Do I know you?
192
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:33,349
Did you go to North
Providence High School?
193
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,750
No.
You friends with Gary,
194
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:36,074
who owns the dry cleaners?
195
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,608
No.
196
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,454
Are you Jesus Christ?
No.
197
00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:41,245
Oh, my God, you are!
198
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,225
You're Jesus Christ!
No, I'm not.
199
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,127
I'm just a guy working
at a record store.
200
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,652
Well, if you're
not Jesus Christ,
201
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,355
then you won't mind if I
pee on these Amy Grant CDs.
202
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,367
Don't!
You are Jesus.
203
00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:53,991
Yes. I am.
204
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:57,261
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
The messiah!
205
00:09:57,329 --> 00:09:59,097
You've returned!
You've returned
206
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,343
to bring us the good word!
207
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,599
What word?
208
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,901
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
209
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:06,270
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
210
00:10:06,338 --> 00:10:08,706
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
211
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,108
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
212
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:13,544
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word ♪
213
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,618
Jesus Christ has
returned to Earth!
214
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,753
I can't believe it!
The second coming!
215
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:25,122
Will you keep it down?
It's not the second coming.
216
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:26,891
Okay, so what are
you doing here?
217
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,261
Well, believe it or not,
I pop in every hundred
years or so,
218
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,209
kind of incognito,
just to get away
from the family.
219
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,576
Plus the timing seemed good
220
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,312
'cause my dad
just quit smoking and
he's a little on edge.
221
00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:39,137
Who took my checkbook?
222
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,638
Ellen?
223
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:43,440
Why is there a pen cap
and no pen?
224
00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:46,243
You're the first person to
recognize me in 2,000 years.
225
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,845
Well, you seem like a nice guy.
226
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:49,591
Hey, why don't you
come over to my house
for dinner tonight?
227
00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:51,359
Okay, but I don't get
off till 7:00.
228
00:10:51,383 --> 00:10:52,717
Great. We'll have a blast.
229
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,697
After we eat,
we can watch that
YouTube footage
230
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,787
of Marlee Matlin
calling Moviefone.
231
00:10:56,856 --> 00:11:00,391
Please
say the name of the movie
you'd like to see now.
232
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,160
The Last Mimzy.
233
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,273
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
234
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:07,710
Please say the name
of the movie you'd
like to see now.
235
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,134
The Last Mimzy.
236
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,570
You have selected 300!
237
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:16,240
If this is the movie
you'd like to see,
say yes now.
238
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:17,309
No!
239
00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:18,743
You have confirmed 300.
240
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,718
Wow, Jesus Christ
at our dinner table.
241
00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,132
I still can't get over it.
242
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,116
I'm actually glad
you're all here tonight.
243
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:34,792
I want to tell you
that one of you
will betray me.
244
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,327
Just kidding!
245
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:39,631
He's doing
that thing he did
in the storybook.
246
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,078
So, Jesus,
finish that story
you were telling us.
247
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,302
Oh. All right, all right.
248
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,736
So there I was, they'd
just beaten me senseless,
249
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,706
stuck thorns in my head,
nailed me to a piece of wood,
250
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,909
shoved a sponge
full of vinegar in
my mouth and killed me.
251
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,646
Then they put me in a hole
with a rock in front of it
for two whole days,
252
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,282
and come Sunday, bam,
I rise from the dead.
253
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:01,419
Okay, that sounds
like a nutty weekend,
but I can top it.
254
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:04,689
So, me and Cleveland
and Joe are just wrecked
on Southern Comfort, right?
255
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,591
We know we're gonna puke,
but Joe says,
256
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:08,560
"Hey, let's go see
Chronicles of Riddick."
257
00:12:08,629 --> 00:12:10,695
Sat through the whole
thing without puking,
258
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:14,399
then I get home,
wouldn't you know,
I lost my glasses.
259
00:12:14,468 --> 00:12:16,168
Peter one, Jesus zero.
260
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,247
You know, Jesus,
if I go get
my cell phone,
261
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,983
would you mind
talking to my friend
Muriel Goldman?
262
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:23,408
I really just want to
stick this up her ass.
263
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,921
All right, I'll be
the one to say it.
264
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,889
How do we know
you're really Jesus?
265
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,113
Can you perform miracles?
266
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,348
Sure. How about this?
267
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,851
Oh, boy! Sundaes!
268
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,253
I love you, Jesus!
269
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,054
I love you, too, fellow.
270
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,268
Hey, Jesus, can you
do something for me?
271
00:12:38,292 --> 00:12:39,302
Sure, Peter.
What is it?
272
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:52,348
Say, listen, Jesus,
I know you're trying
to keep a low profile,
273
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,106
but there's one person
I really want you to meet.
274
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,574
Oh, yeah? Who's that?
275
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:59,555
The American people
may have turned
against the war,
276
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,712
but I answer to a higher power.
277
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,315
I answer to the power
of Jesus Christ.
278
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:07,763
Well, that's funny,
because I happen to have
Jesus Christ right here.
279
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,498
I heard what you were saying.
280
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,367
You know nothing of my work.
281
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:14,136
How you ever got to be
president of anything
is totally amazing.
282
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,480
Boy, wouldn't it be great
if life were like this?
283
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:19,998
Hey, listen, Jesus,
284
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,844
thanks for coming by
tonight and hanging
out with us.
285
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:22,979
You may look like a bum,
286
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,980
but you got a lot
of talent, young man.
287
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:29,940
Well, I never
thought I'd say this,
but I have had a blast.
288
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,921
Oh, wonderful!
Wonderful!
289
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:36,013
Yeah, I'd forgotten how
great it is interacting
with other people.
290
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:37,649
Well, I better get some sleep.
291
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,077
I got to open
the store tomorrow.
292
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,963
You don't want to go back
to that record store.
293
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,331
You got to get back out there,
294
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,400
coloring eggs and
hiding them for kids.
295
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,091
What, you mean reveal myself?
296
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,861
Absolutely. This world
needs you, Jesus.
297
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,250
It needs you like a guy
who can't get it up
needs a distraction.
298
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,901
O ready to have sex with you.
299
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,235
Oh, hey, is that my phone?
300
00:13:58,304 --> 00:13:59,670
I don't hear anything.
301
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,072
Is that John Astin?
302
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,651
I don't see anyone out there.
303
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,707
Oh.
304
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,876
Well, now there's
so much going on.
305
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,823
You know, you're right,
Peter, it may be time.
306
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,380
But how do we do it?
307
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,816
Everyone, may I have
your attention, please?
308
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,886
I would like to introduce
you to the one, the only,
309
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:16,286
Jesus Christ.
310
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:17,955
That's right.
311
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,891
That's Jesus Christ right here.
312
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,541
Look at these idiots.
They're not even listening.
313
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:27,933
You know what?
We got to prove it to them.
314
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,046
Listen, I'm gonna go
into that supermarket
and get some water,
315
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,580
and you're gonna
turn it into wine.
316
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,617
Okay, cool.
Hey, can you get me
a Cracked Magazine?
317
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,319
Cracked?
Yeah.
318
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:38,877
Jesus Christ, unbelievable.
All right, I'll be back.
319
00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:45,081
Oh, crap!
Don't worry, I'll get it.
320
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,758
It is Jesus!
Oh, my God!
321
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:54,937
It's him!
322
00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:56,026
It's Jesus!
323
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,527
And his best pal, Peter.
324
00:14:58,697 --> 00:14:59,863
Oh, wow!
325
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,039
Fifteen minutes,
Mr. Christ.
326
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:12,042
Wow, Jesus, can you
believe you're gonna
get to meet Jay Leno?
327
00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:15,123
Mom, why is it that
when Jesus revealed
himself to the world,
328
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:16,925
he became famous,
and when I did it,
329
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:19,216
I got suspended for five days?
330
00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:21,396
You know, I owe this
all to you, Peter.
331
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,065
You gave me the
confidence I needed.
332
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,455
Never mind about that, pal.
333
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,523
You just go out there
and knock 'em dead.
334
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,504
Now, who are you?
Jesus Christ.
335
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,205
Who are you?
Jesus Christ.
336
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:31,673
Who are you?
Jesus Christ!
337
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:32,930
Now, go get them!
338
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,110
All right, my thanks
again to Dave Coulier.
339
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:38,769
Season three of Full House
is out on DVD March 5th.
340
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,516
My next guest died for our sins,
341
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,751
and now it looks like
he's back on the scene.
342
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,185
Please welcome, from the Bible,
343
00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:45,676
Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus?
344
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,061
Hey, well, Jesus,
welcome to the show.
345
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:54,551
Thanks, Jay.
Glad to be here.
346
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,832
So, Jesus, what've
you been doing since
you've been back?
347
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,867
Oh, you know,
just kind of
bumming around,
348
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,436
playing a little Call of Duty 4,
349
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,836
eating a lot of Pinkberry.
350
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,177
And I've been sampling
the nightlife out here.
351
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,065
I raised River Phoenix
from the dead,
352
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,468
then we went out
to the Viper Room,
and he OD'd again.
353
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,685
Jesus Christ, everybody!
354
00:16:17,709 --> 00:16:20,310
We'll be right back
with Joss Stone.
355
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:27,385
Augh!
356
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:29,653
This guy is gonna be huge.
357
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,540
Yes, we're here for
the Paris Hilton party.
358
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,719
Who the hell are you?
359
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,020
I'm Peter Griffin
from Family Guy.
360
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:53,088
Never heard of it.
361
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,289
It's all right T,
they're with me.
362
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,347
Hey, JC. What's up?
363
00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:57,593
You guys are good to go.
364
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,550
Thanks, man.
365
00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:07,958
Wow, a Paris Hilton party.
366
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,461
Oh, this is so cool.
367
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,563
Hey, Paris,
I'm a friend of Jesus'.
368
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:14,231
Check it out,
I have a cool bag, too,
369
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,166
and it has a dog in it
just like yours.
370
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,302
Hi, Paris, I'm Meg.
371
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,870
I met Larry King.
372
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,705
Name-dropper.
373
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,008
Hey, Perez Hilton.
How you doing, bitch?
374
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:26,121
Good, bitch.
How are you, bitch?
Good, bitch.
375
00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:27,422
What's new, bitch?
Nothing, bitch.
376
00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,124
Cool, bitch.
Bitch.
377
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:31,548
Wow, I can't believe
I'm really here.
378
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,729
Who would've thought,
me, Peter Griffin,
379
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,230
the guy who just two weeks ago
380
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,232
drew a smiley face
on his own testicle
381
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:40,591
to make his son laugh...
Well, I lost my train
of thought.
382
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:41,837
But this is really exciting.
383
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,427
I'm having a blast.
384
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,140
And it's all
'cause of you, Jesus.
385
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,765
Hey, like I said,
you're the one
who got me here.
386
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,133
Some might say you're my savior.
387
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:57,641
♪ Me and Jesus
388
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,611
♪ Come and hug
and squeeze us
389
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:06,016
♪ 'Cause you know
That he's a simply
Christ-terrific dude
390
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,620
♪ His eyes are bluish
391
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,689
♪ Bright and I love you-ish
392
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,725
♪ And he's also Jewish
393
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,794
♪ But he's not
the least bit rude
394
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,997
♪ Peter, my boy
395
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,198
♪ Yes
396
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,701
♪ You're sweet
as chocolate cake
397
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,038
♪ You bring me joy
398
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,774
♪ And so I won't
forsake you
399
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,043
♪ Like the gays do
400
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,312
♪ Me and Jesus
401
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:37,948
♪ What a happy pair
402
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,561
♪ Together we're hotter
Than walking on water
403
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:41,719
♪ We walk on air
404
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,287
You're a real pal, Jesus.
405
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:44,766
Well, I'll tell you this, Peter.
406
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,024
You ain't never had
a friend like me.
407
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:50,427
♪ Me and Jesus
408
00:18:50,496 --> 00:18:53,397
♪ Those are words
that please us
409
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,565
♪ 'Cause we're close
as Beezus
410
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,769
♪ And Ramona Quimby are
411
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:01,739
♪ My life is sweeter
412
00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:05,475
♪ With my new friend Peter
413
00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:07,445
♪ You're a lotus eater
414
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:10,514
♪ Now that
you're a superstar
415
00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:13,985
♪ It used to be
416
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,487
♪ I always
took the brunt
417
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:19,790
♪ But now you're free
418
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:23,560
♪ And Bush's
bombing countries
419
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:24,795
♪ 'Cause I like it
420
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,098
♪ Me and Jesus
421
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,801
♪ Friends until we die
♪ Again
422
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:31,913
♪ Together forever and ever
423
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:34,771
♪ We never will say goodbye ♪
424
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:42,012
Now back to
the MTV Movie Awards,
hosted by Dane Cook.
425
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,525
Hey, everybody, what's up?
426
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:46,150
Dane Cook here
in the house at
the MTV Movie Awards.
427
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,518
What's up? What's up?
Hey, you know what I hate?
428
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:49,765
When you eat an ice-cream cone
429
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,509
and it's all, like, cold,
and you're like...
430
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,770
And you're like,
"Why didn't you warn me
that's so cold?"
431
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,404
And he's like,
"It's ice cream, dude."
432
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:57,739
And you're like,
"Oh, man!"
433
00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,631
But chicks don't do that,
because they use a spoon.
434
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,379
What's up?
Su-Fi! Boo! MySpace.
435
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,982
I don't know, but
he's moving around
a lot, so I guess.
436
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:10,607
He was on the Internet,
and I'm in college.
437
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:12,087
And now to present the award
438
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:15,980
for Sickest Onscreen
Gangsta Pimp-Out Burizness,
439
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,382
Jesus Christ
and the Pussycat Dolls.
440
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,388
Jesus.
441
00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:29,260
Hey, it's a pleasure
to be here with you six
interchangeable women.
442
00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:30,706
Last time I was
down here on Earth,
443
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,690
I only hung around
with one whore.
444
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:46,077
Come on, guys,
let's head over
to my crib.
445
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,890
Hey, you guys
mind scooting
over a little bit?
446
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,793
Ooh. Sorry, Peter,
doesn't look like
there's any room.
447
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,483
What... What do you mean?
448
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,195
Well, there's only
one space left,
449
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:55,798
and I promised it to that cow.
450
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,265
This is gonna be so much fun!
451
00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,867
I'm gonna stick
my head out the sunroof
452
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:02,826
and wave my arms and go,
"Whoo! I'm in Hollywood!"
453
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,815
I'm in Hollywood!
See? I said I'd do it!
454
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,246
Peter, would you
put that thing away?
455
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,714
We're trying to eat dinner.
456
00:21:12,738 --> 00:21:14,858
I can't believe
fucking Jesus hasn't
called me back.
457
00:21:14,906 --> 00:21:16,840
I left him a message,
like, four hours ago.
458
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:18,886
Well, maybe he doesn't
have his phone with him.
459
00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:21,578
No, no, it rang twice,
and then the voicemail
picked up.
460
00:21:21,647 --> 00:21:24,381
If it had gone straight
to voicemail, that means
the phone was off.
461
00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:26,883
If it rang, like,
six times, that means
he didn't hear it.
462
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,452
But it rang twice, Lois.
463
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,720
That means the phone rang,
he saw it was me,
464
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:33,349
and then he pressed
a button and sent it
straight to voicemail.
465
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:36,994
You know what?
Give me your phone.
I bet he'll pick up.
466
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:39,029
Hey, hey, Lois!
467
00:21:39,097 --> 00:21:40,597
Hey, you, it's Peter.
468
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,866
What the hell?
We were supposed
to do something today.
469
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:45,647
I forgot to tell you,
I have a doctor's
appointment today.
470
00:21:45,671 --> 00:21:47,771
I'm actually there now.
471
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,306
Hey, look!
Lindsay Lohan just
took her top off!
472
00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:53,377
Hey,
I just drank a beer!
Who wants to do me?
473
00:21:53,445 --> 00:21:54,789
- I do!
- Me too!
474
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,646
I just did you,
but I'll go again!
475
00:21:56,715 --> 00:21:58,114
I got to go.
476
00:21:58,183 --> 00:22:00,483
Can you believe the way
Jesus is treating me?
477
00:22:00,552 --> 00:22:01,819
I thought he was my friend.
478
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:05,355
Look, fame and success
do crazy things
to people, Peter.
479
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:08,591
I'm sure, deep down,
he's still the
same old Jesus.
480
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,006
He may just need
to figure that out
in his own way.
481
00:22:11,030 --> 00:22:14,631
Maybe. But one thing's
for sure, Lois, none of
this would've happened
482
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:17,167
if somebody hadn't
stolen my fucking
Surfin' Bird record!
483
00:22:23,276 --> 00:22:26,155
Tonight's top story,
local record-shop
employee, Jesus Christ,
484
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,657
was found
in Mary-Kate Olsen's
apartment this morning,
485
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,347
face down and unconscious.
486
00:22:30,416 --> 00:22:32,783
Police revived and arrested
the disoriented Jesus,
487
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:34,318
who was quoted as saying,
488
00:22:34,387 --> 00:22:37,254
"Jews are responsible
for all the world's wars."
489
00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,363
Brian, you think
that's our Jesus?
490
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:43,193
Griffin residence.
Peter speaking.
491
00:22:43,262 --> 00:22:46,263
Oh, yeah?
Why should I?
492
00:22:46,332 --> 00:22:48,109
Yeah? Well,
get someone else
to bail you out,
493
00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:50,668
'cause it ain't gonna be me.
494
00:22:50,737 --> 00:22:52,949
Yeah, well, what are
you gonna do about it?
495
00:22:52,973 --> 00:22:54,173
All right, I'm coming!
496
00:22:58,177 --> 00:23:00,377
Jesus Christ, look at you!
497
00:23:00,413 --> 00:23:03,780
You had it all, money,
fame, eternal life,
498
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,328
the perfect hand
for masturbating,
and you blew it!
499
00:23:06,352 --> 00:23:07,730
You let it all go to your head!
500
00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:09,186
I know, Peter.
501
00:23:09,254 --> 00:23:12,054
I guess it turns out
I'm just as human
as anyone else.
502
00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:16,393
You want the truth?
503
00:23:16,462 --> 00:23:18,228
I think it's time for me to go.
504
00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:21,365
This world's not ready
for me yet, and I'm not
ready for it.
505
00:23:21,433 --> 00:23:22,566
I don't know,
506
00:23:22,635 --> 00:23:25,012
maybe I'll try coming back
in another thousand years,
507
00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:26,882
when I'm a little more mature.
508
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,951
Well, that's a very
mature thing to say
right there.
509
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:32,154
I think you're on your way.
510
00:23:32,178 --> 00:23:36,180
Well, before I go, Peter,
there's something I want
to give you.
511
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,014
Hold out your hands.
512
00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:46,356
Well, I guess that's it, then.
513
00:23:46,424 --> 00:23:47,490
Jesus is gone.
514
00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:49,503
I sure am gonna miss him.
515
00:23:49,527 --> 00:23:51,094
Me, too.
516
00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:53,241
Although he did give me
something right before
he disappeared.
517
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:54,305
What?
518
00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:55,732
Something very special, Lois.
519
00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:56,878
What is it, Dad?
520
00:23:56,902 --> 00:23:57,902
What, you haven't heard?
521
00:23:57,970 --> 00:23:59,202
Fuck!
522
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:01,405
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
523
00:24:01,474 --> 00:24:03,806
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
524
00:24:03,876 --> 00:24:06,209
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word ♪
525
00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:10,447
♪ A-well-a, everybody's
heard about the bird
526
00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:12,493
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
527
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,795
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
528
00:24:14,819 --> 00:24:17,287
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
529
00:24:17,355 --> 00:24:19,690
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
530
00:24:19,758 --> 00:24:22,136
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
531
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,461
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
532
00:24:24,529 --> 00:24:26,897
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
533
00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:29,377
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
534
00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:31,835
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
535
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:34,104
♪ A-well-a, don't you
know about the bird
536
00:24:34,173 --> 00:24:36,540
♪ Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word
537
00:24:36,609 --> 00:24:40,677
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word ♪